The Art of dealing with Teenager’s issues

"We change, we grow up, we goof up, we love, we hurt; we’re teenagers. We're still learning"                     -Anonymous

I first thought of writing a self-help-style article targeted at teenagers, but gave up on that idea quickly, realizing that it would not go down well with my targeted audience. So I decided to write this post for parents with teenage kids and others who have well crossed the teenage, and may soon find this article useful.

The western society has been well aware of the clichés associated with teenage, such as curiosity, rebellion and, believing views of others in the same age group to be truly righteous. Perhaps these issues could have been easily neglected in India, about two decades ago. But our country is in a transition state, a migration from feudal system to a modern industrialized society. That being the case, these issues have become extremely relevant to the Indian society, especially in the large cities.

Observing these signs in teenagers itself, doesn’t imply understanding the situation. What is crucial here is to understand the reason why these issues remain prevalent. The first reason is the physical changes that teenagers undergo. Without acknowledging this fact, we can do little or nothing to help them cope up with this phase of life. The second reason is their developing the ability to think on their own, but with little or no experience.

To help the teenagers deal with this sensitive phase, as adults we need to be patient and understand, and hence the word, ‘art’ in the title. It is certainly tempting to punish and apply the phrase, “spare the rod and spoil the child”, when things don’t go our way. However research indicates that punishment may help change their behavior only temporarily. Instead of punishment, a positive reinforcement technique, where an individual is rewarded for displaying a particular behavior or habit, is more beneficial.

Also talking to teenagers seriously helps you win their confidence. Showing interests in their hobbies and keeping up the tastes of current generation may be a little demanding, but can be rewarding. And finally, treating them like grownups would help them understand their responsibility. An example of this would be: If they fail to keep their end of a commitment, do not keep your end. This will help them realize that you take them seriously.

The previous generation, perhaps, did not have the need to think through this as seriously as the current generation. That is purely because the teenagers are well equipped, curtsy Internet and other technological advancements. Depriving and punishing should not be among the options, as these would fuel the already existing rebellion tendencies. 

An Inspiring Life

"The way to gain a good reputation, is to endeavor to be what you desire to appear".

- Socrates

I spent most part of the last Sunday, writing and editing the below article. It is based on a series of incidents in a life of a professor, which were narrated to me by one of my former professors.

If you google the name Gene H. Golub, besides his personal webpage at Stanford University, you are likely to come across numerous theorems and research papers. Like most professors, he too had a tremendous track record, both in terms of teaching as well as research. However that’s not my focus of writing. The manner in which, he led his life, is what inspires me.

In his twenties, after obtaining a PhD, Prof Golub got an opportunity to travel to University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom, for carrying out further research. While at Cambridge, one day he came across a beautiful young lady and immediately got attracted to her. They say computer scientists and mathematicians can never be that guy at a bar, who can just go and talk to a girl and impress her. This is probably the reason why Prof. Golub could not express his feelings and few months later returned to the United States, making a firm decision that he will never marry any other girl.

Probably this decision worked in his favor. He continued doing great research all his life and shaping many students’ careers. He built such good relations, especially with international students, that they would even live with him, as his house guests for several days. Likewise, when he travelled abroad, he would be hosted mostly by his former students.

Nearly thirty-five years later he again got an opportunity to travel to Cambridge. And guess what? He again came across the same lady, who was probably as beautiful as then, but certainly not young. However this time around, Prof. Golub expressed his feelings openly. As she had been widowed this time, she did agree to marry him. By the time when most people in his age group retire, he continued to work, as he was newlywed and had to deal with the starting expenses of new life.

Some years later they separated and Prof. Golub continued devoting more time to his teaching and research. He worked till he died at the age of 75, in the year 2007. He did great work, got whom he wanted to be with, and amidst of that he was genuine do-gooder. Now isn’t such a life awe-inspiring? 

The Spiral Cone Effect

“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness.”
― Mark Twain

I had started writing this article months ago, but found time only today to complete it. From now on, I shall be more regular in posting articles.

Have you ever come across this term, ‘spiral cone’ before? It would embarrass me to a great extent if some of my readers answered ‘yes’, to the above question. At least I would like to believe that this metaphor is coined by me for the purpose of explaining a peculiar human behavior.

So what is this spiral cone? Literally it’s a conical structure, starting at one point, increasingly becoming narrower and narrower to the final point. Think about it for a while and then try to figure out where you come across such structure in your day to day life. If not literally at least we all come across several people whose thoughts replicate the exact same model.

Most humans exhibit this structure in thinking.  Below scenario might ring some bells:

• My country is great
• People from my state are greater
• People from my region of the state are even greater
• People of my hamlet in that region are even greater
• I am the greatest

The greatest possible remedies to this problem are:

A) Travel

B) Have an open mind

C) Stop Judging

Unless people give up believing that they are the best or always right, differences would always appear as ‘wrong’ and similarities as ‘right’. Being an eternal optimist, I hope this structure of thought will one day change in many societies.

Leadership

Writing about leadership in the times we currently live in could be very challenging, as most points about leadership are already well known. In this article I have made an attempt to write about some of the less known points about leadership.

Firstly, what is leadership? Hardest are those questions, whose answers seem to be obvious. Most people may visualize a suit-clad man, talking about something real big. At this point the question arises, ‘is leadership about wearing fancy outfits and talking big?’ Probably not! While pondering this question, I came out with three points which would explain leadership in a fair spirit.

One; Ability to decide based on your conviction rather than someone else’s opinion is one such quality. I felt like highlighting this point after reading a quote by Nelson Mandela, “Everything seems impossible until someone known to you, gets it done" The truth is that someone, who got it done didn’t share the belief which the majority imposed on him / her. What separated that person from the rest is the ability to think and act independently.

Two; Leadership is not bigger than a person. To the best of my knowledge, I don’t remember of any object or machine, known for its leadership. It has always been about people, regardless of what category of leadership you wish to consider. And it is very simple to stand out from rest by being different. Then the question is, ‘how to be different?’ Think of those mistakes which are often made and try to avoid repeating them. In a commercial world, kindness seems to be one of the biggest scarcities. Your ability to show kind gestures will automatically put you in a different league.

Three; A leader is nothing, if he/she fails to inspire his/her followers. Leading an exemplary life is easy said, than done. Being genuine, in your words as well as actions will never go unnoticed. Practice what you preach and preach what you practice. Only by this way, you will be able to carry others aboard on the same plane, you currently are flying in.

An additional point could be, avoid imitating people. I would conclude this post with a quote by the great philosopher, Jiddu Krishnamurti, “If you are very clear, if you are inwardly a light unto yourself, you will never follow anyone”

Reasonable Expectations

The motivation to this post sources to the article on ‘Project Triangle’, which I read a few days ago. The bottom line of which is: A product or service can be Cheap, Fast, Good; pick any two. This is the corporate way of setting the right expectations. The question is: Is this how things actually work in real life too? Another question is that what if someone makes an offer that defies this rule? I thought about it for a while and then remembered a story, I had read as 8 years old. I’m posting the same story, and to my mind, this story is incredibly relevant even today.

Long, long ago, there was king in southern part of India. He had set a daunting goal for himself, to keep every person in his kingdom happy. As the summer approached, the main agenda which the king had to deal with was to provide good quality hand fans to everyone, at most affordable rates. In some of southern states of India, the summer can be nasty beyond imagination. As this is a story from the era, when there was no electricity, hand fans were the only viable alternatives. Being a fair minded king, he invited bids from all the craftsmen who could come up with affordable and fancy-looking fan that would perfectly suit the needs of the people. The king, with the help of his finance minister, selected three bidders and gave them orders for making 100 fans each, and after a public feedback, one of them would get the contract to make the fans for the rest of the public. The first two craftsmen had the same negative feedback from people, of being too pricy while people were not too happy with the beauty element of the fans, made by the third one. The king was puzzled and said to his finance minister, “There seems no plausible way to please these people. They find 50ps fans expensive and are not happy with looks of those fans that cost 30ps. How do we deal with these people Mr. Finance Minister?” The finance minister’s wisdom was unbounded and he came up with a solution. The solution was, to hire an anonymous craftsman who would make an attractive fan for just 10ps, but it came at a condition. Every resident had to make the payment in advance for their individual fan. People were very happy and lined up to place their orders. A week later, as promised, all the fans costing just 10ps were made available to each of the resident. Everybody seemed happy till they actually tried to use the fan. The moment someone tried to oscillate the fan for the gentle breeze, the fan simply broke. By the same evening, almost everyone had lined up in front of the king, whining and complaining. It was then the king who brought it to everyone’s attention, about the note inscribed on the fan, which was very hard to notice otherwise. It read, “Cheap and fancy fan… oscillate your face in front of this fan for cool breeze. But if you oscillate the fan, it will break” The king asked everybody to be cautious from now on and read carefully before they bought a product, whose dynamics defied conventional wisdom. People realized that this was king’s ploy to teach them a lesson and set reasonable expectations in future. However, once they had learnt this lesson, the king presented each of them with a free fan for that summer.

Every choice that we make in life, involves tradeoffs and if we are unwilling to forgo anything, we probably end up either losing everything or doing nothing. The timeless lesson to be taken away is to be reasonable in setting our expectations, be it money matters, personal relations or professional life. A few may even draw a conclusion that a task to please everyone at the same time itself may be an unrealistic goal.

Statistics: A Tricky Measure

“Statistics can prove anything, even the truth” - Noel Moynihan

Many people would agree with the statement, “Life would probably be less meaningful if we discount statistics from it”. Even if you were to disagree, I fervently believe that most professions of today wouldn’t even exist had we been less fascinated with statistics. And if you talk to anyone who has done research of some sort, they will confirm the importance of statistics.

So, why is statistics so important to us? Scholars believe that statistics plays a vital role in every field of human activity. Humans in general desire predictability, consistency, and assurance to make better decisions. Essentially statistics quantifies and represents these factors in a more visually comprehendible manner. In spite of this huge advantage that it offers, I’ve always felt that most outcomes based on statistics leave plenty of room for ambiguity. Consider the below scenario.

I recently read an article titled ‘disappointing facts in popular music’ in which the author had posted a fact that “Flo Rida’s (an American rapper & singer) song ‘Low’ sold same number of copies (8 million) as that of the Beatles’ (one of the greatest band of all time) song ‘Hey Jude’” . Now here’s some food for thought. People, who view this fact as a regrettable one, would claim that the quality of music has gone down since the 70’s. That could only be the possible explanation for Flo Rida’s song to match the success of the Beatles’ song. Those who like the rap music, prefer taking a tequila shot, and hit the dance floor, might actually feel that Flo Rida is equally good, if not better, than the Beatles and would cite the same statistics to validate their claim. Then there are those make analysis might include factors such as increase in population from the 70’s to now and the power of Internet to propagate popularity, and conclude other way. Probably, using the same statistics, we can argue from either side. A lot depends on which side are we standing.

For a long time I believed if there is someone who defied this ambiguity that statistics generates was the great cricketer Sir Don Bradman. Recently, a researcher published some facts, using the same available statistics, and concluded that Sir Don was second best batsman, not the best. That is when it became very clear to me that statistics operates more in tandem with ‘confirmation biases’ than logic. In such a case, relying blindly on statistics would seldom help us make effective decisions. The reason I call statistics as a tricky measure is because though there is this visible shortcoming, bright minds have always been able to use statistics effectively.

PS: This article has references to some subjects and people, and could be better understood through the below links:

The Beatles, Hey Jude, Flo Rida, Low, Don Bradman, Confirmation Bias

Impulsiveness

“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape one hundred days of sorrow.”

- Chinese Proverb

My last few articles have definitely been different from the way I’ve written in the past. However I received a numerous feedbacks, most suggesting that I should write something which could be comprehended without much effort. Keeping in with the spirit of my old style, here is the story, which I’m rewriting.

Most of us would know who Angulimala was. If not, don’t worry. I’m not going to ask you to shoot yourself. Over the course of this story you shall certainly find out who he was. The word ‘Angulimala’ in Sanskrit means ‘Garland of Fingers’. This was the title given to a boy whose earlier name was ‘Ahimsaka’. He was a very good student and it was this popularity, which got him the envy of his peers. They started spreading the rumors of him having an affair with his teacher’s wife. The teacher initially ignored all that was being said but later succumbed to these rumors. Instead of clarifying it with Ahimsaka he decided to punish him in an indirect way. He assigned him a task of, killing a thousand people and make a garland out of their index fingers. Trusting the teacher’s words blindly, Ahimsaka went to woods in search of people whom he could kill. He soon became a monster and whose only aim was to kill people. This was reported to the king who ordered the killing of this freak, who was now known as Angulimala. By now, Angulimala had become unstoppable and none of the soldiers sent by the king succeeded in nabbing him. So, the king persuaded his mother to visit him and advise him. Many were sure that he would not even spare his mother as he was just one short of the magical number of thousand index fingers. Buddha who often wondered in the same jungle realized that if he didn’t intervene now, he would witness a son killing his own mother. He appeared before Angulimala who was joyous of finding his 1000th prey. Buddha patiently said to him, “I shall allow you to kill me, but before that, you should fulfill my wish” In the eagerness of achieving his target, he agreed. Buddha gave him a task of bringing him an attractive leaf from the woods. This was no big deal. He was back in a flash with a leaf that he had plucked from a nearby tree. Buddha smiled and said, “Now, I would like you to attach this leaf back to the same branch”. Angulimala was confused and asked Buddha, “How is that possible?” The Buddha replied, “When you cannot attach a simple leaf back to its original position, do you think you will ever be able to give back 999 lives and their index fingers" Buddha’s profoundly wise deed reformed Angulimala, who later followed Buddha and became a Buddhist monk, preaching ahimsa. Yes, there are many things that we cannot undo in this life, yet anyone can reform.

There are several human emotions that this story portrays: jealousy, suspicion, and impulsiveness. The teacher’s impulsive reaction to rumors resulted in Ahimsaka becoming Angulimala. For Angulimala, it was initially the blind faith in his teacher and then the madness of achieving a number goal which almost got him killed. It required the great Buddha and his infinite wisdom to reform someone who had lost track. Today, if we chose to react in an impulsive way, even Buddha might not help us, not because he doesn’t exist but because he would be tired of reiterating his long taught lesson. It would make sense for us to learn from someone else’s mistake and avoid being impulsive. Being impulsive would assure us nothing but a life full of repentances.

Tapped in the Patterns

"It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society" - Jiddu Krishnamurti

How often are we influenced by the societal patterns in our day to day life? If you ask me, I would say most people are working hard to fit into it. Having observed this, I got a little curious to know the reason behind it? While on my pursuit of being inquisitive on this subject matter, I assumed to most part that following a set pattern must have some benefits, otherwise, why would an overwhelming majority of people adopt this line of practice.

With very little study I realized that there was absolutely no benefit in what seemed like a popular practice. The main reason why most choose to follow patterns is because they seem to find a sense of security in doing so. The point is, people value ‘doing a thing’ more than comprehending ‘why it is being done’?

Right from a young age, a person tends to compare himself / herself with someone and concludes on being better or worse at something. Imagine a situation where in there was no comparison made, what would happen? Probably people wouldn’t know who is better or who is not. If people fail to judge every other person, in essence there would be no harm done. However it’s the attribute of the weak to energize themselves through someone else’s weakness. The main problem is that most people have preferred to remain lazy and not question whether the actions they are supposed to take, is logical or not.

There are two main obstacles in the path of evolving from this idea of following patterns. The first one: lack of desire to understand the real purpose behind actions that we take. It's basically a lot of hard work. Ironically, it often takes a calamity to live in present and look for the reason. If things go exactly as prescribed, no one would question existing phenomena. Only when it doesn't work, people seem to look beyond it. The second one: the fear that is induced in our minds and constantly we are made to believe that these are the boundaries we must live within. The idea of fear is often introduced either to control others emotionally or financially. What I have realized of late is, if there is something that doesn't make sense or is too hard to comprehend, either it is a trap with a motivation of to control us or it financially benefits the creator.

At times it seems much easier to get intelligent (read as egoistic) people to change their line of thinking compared to the ignorant. Just by asking a question, "Why should you live by others guidelines?” may do the trick. Otherwise it is almost impossible to overcome these shackles which have been interwoven in several ways over several ages.

India: Land of ‘Old Immigrants’

Last week, India celebrated Diwali, the festivals of lights. And the modern Indians flooded the social networking sites with posts related to the same festival. It’s a good way to make people across the world familiar with our festivals. This prompted an American friend to inquire about the significance of this festival. Hardest are the questions whose answers are sort of obvious. After a long pause, I explained to him that there are various beliefs behind celebrating this festival, depending on what part of the country one comes from. I knew the various beliefs simply because the state I grew up has different reason behind celebrating Diwali compared to the state I currently reside in. Probably the state where my ancestors came from has its own explanation as well. That’s when he asked me this question, to find an answer for it; I had to do a small research. The question was, “Most of you have the same religious background, similar culture yet varying definition of the same festival. Why?”

Had I known the right phrase to “google” I would have been able to answer this question quickly. So I started looking up for reasons why each part of our country has this subtle difference in culture. I was astonished by some of the findings. The best explanation I found was from an article by Justice Markandey Katju. Justice Katju is a person who immensely inspires me through his blunt talks and logical views. In fact his style often reminds me of my own father’s style.

A lot of us are familiar with the fact that the USA is called the land of immigrants with more than 60% of its population being descendents of Europeans immigrants. However this immigration was about 500 to 600 years back, which is fairly recent, compared to the immigration to India from north-west and to some extent from north-east, which began about 10,000 years ago. So this gives rise to the question, who are the true Indians? Many would be tempted to jump to the conclusion that it would be Dravidians. It would surprise many if I wrote that even Dravidians immigrated to the present day India from north-west part. The evidence of this is very interesting. Even today, there are more than two million speakers of a language called Brahui, in regions of Afghanistan. What makes it further interesting is that Brahui is a Dravidian language, which has a high degree of similarity with Tamil. Immigration from south to north-west seems counter-intuitive as north-west fits nowhere near south, in terms of human habitability index. Justice Katju further concludes that the true Indians in that case would be about 5% of today’s population, making India a country with 95% ‘old immigrants’.

This leaves little room to be surprised about the fact that even our religious scriptures have multiple versions. Take for example, the Ramayana, which has so many versions and no single of which could be claimed as the authentic version. Each is as authentic as the other is. I suppose this would be the only logical explanation behind such a diversified culture that we have in India today, in spite of similar religious beliefs. Probably, all immigrants adopted a common platform, with their own interpretation and spirit depending on the geography, which makes our country as multifaceted as it is today.